The Wonderful World Of Ned

Its official, I am actually useless, at everything!

I have just got home from hideous astrophysics exam (something about stars and lots of other complicated things my brain cannot deal with anytime, especially not when brain is pre-occupied with thoughts of buying yorkies) to find mutti, besides herself with joy, because in my one moment of kind helpfullness when i did some washing, ive managed to ruin my best tshirt! Obviously grey stripes on blue is VERY attractive, not! SO now i will have to wander around smelly, and naked! what fun fun fun!

This is how fab-beyond-fab my life it, i have managed, to BRUISE MY ARMPIT! How i ask you!?!? did i decide it would be superfun to beat myself up with de-oderant in a fit of madness!? Or maybe i sleep in wierd position, which involves tucking alarmclock under my arm!? Hell knows!

Oh gosh, i really have reached new levels of ultimate-sadness and boredom-osity, i have just WASTED 45 minutes of my life, making a bart simpson pencil holder from the back of my advent calender, it holds FOUR pencils, ou est la point, i can hold more pencils than that between my teeth!

However, superfab day today! Found my necklace (its official, this is what it takes to make my day!!!)! I had the horrible feeling had lost it in drunken state on tuesday night, which would be beyond poo, as like im going to crawl over every bar floor in town looking for my necklace! Anyway, was watchign my mutti hoovering up today, like the good daughter i am, and suddenly noticed something that looked suspisously like my necklace whizzing about in dyson, as if in hurricane! Super! Became RATEHR un-super when i realised i had to stick hand in six years world of dust and dog hairs, yum!

Am having SMALL hair issue at the moment! Have spent entire night thinking OW OW OW hair is sticking into head, feels like am going through accupuncutre or similar, and am slightly worried! After getting rejection from cambridge last week decided to go and dye hair, unfortunatly hair is being rather odd and having mind of its own, so instead of being FAB and BLUE, it is CRAP and blonde, as couldnt put blue ontop for some complicated reason, that was explained to me, but really, do i listen?! ANyhoo, decided for party last night to put blue hair gel in, looks funky, until, now has dried in unmoveable form, really, i cant put jumpers on, because it actually rips the hair from my scalp instead of the spikes moving! ATTRACTIVE! Is supposed to wash out, but i have a horrible feeling that "got2b" might JUST be lying to me on that one!

Have VERY fun biology exam to do tomorrow, hmmmmmmm, interesting, am supposed to do better than i did last summer, knowing less as am too damn lazy to learn! Oh well, can always pray for a miracle! ARGH, have found horrific looking finger on floor, suspect is sisters! Suspect is not sisters real finger, instead one solely to piss me off!

WOW, hair actually makes snapping noise if you bend it! W-O-R-R-Y-I-N-G! Am going to be bald girl!

Am aware this blog entry is BEYOND boring, but have done the sum total, of NOTHING!

May get in bath and attempt to sort out hideous-fright-wig-hair! FUN FUN FUN!

We have to understand my french is hideously poor, and that probably does not read welcome as i wanted it to!

We must also remember my french deteriorates very rapidly when head feels like it is full of catterpillars doing a dance, in hob-nail boots! Yay!

Have found my hangover, and is not good! I was doing perfectly ok this morning, woke up, under my friends christmas tree, yay!! Ate some cheese, then ate some marshmallows, then even ate some cereal! Then came home, and found nasty acidic manky hangover somewhere in the middle of the six million course meal i had to endure with family, i think, it was probably somewhere in my second glass of wine and the equivalent of half a pig! Great!

DEcided, this would not deter me from being the new and improved nadine that i attempt (with fail) to be every-bloody-year and unpacked my bag! Note to self, stop writing new years resolutions WHEN DRUNK! I have a vauge recollection of forcing paper and pens into all the members of the party and making them write resultions, mine are, lets say, amusing to say the least! However, not as bad as my friends, who when we read it over said " I will do all my maths homework before it is due in, AND far before i cum" < WHAT sort of resolution is this? and exactly WHAT was she thinking of while writing this, and i thought mine of " i will stop being a dillusional silly little pot of wankerage" was a stupid resultion!

Nehoo i have a toilet to get very well aqquainted with!

xxxxxxx

http://graffitithewritingsonthewall.blogspirit.com/

Hillarious blog, if you dont mind language ALOT worse than i use mentioned HEAVILY! (bear in mind i think poo and bollocks is the height of bad language!)

The bit about madonnas video is awesome!

I am so god darn bored! I have even attempted to fix my computer AND tidy my room due to the boredom! Computer now refuses to work after making funny bang noise last time i plugged it in and blew all fuses in the house, bloody thing, hates me!

Have spent all day boring self into small coma with physics revision! Cannot think of anything i would least like to do in the christmas holiday that learn about the photoelectric effect, which is all jangly in my head to begin with but when there is the distraction of christmas cake, im sorry silly little electrons, you have no chance against marzipan!

Revisin is an excellent way of putting back on that stone i lost in hospital though! Was disgusting, could see all tendons in legs, have never seen anything less attractive in my entire life! And i have low self esteem to begin with (honest!!!!) But revision is possibly most boring hobby, ever, therefore i eat for something to do! Have had four meals and about 44 snacks today, which is amazing to say there is such a lack of food in house, swear family is trying to starve self, however must admit, most snacks have consisted of alot of cheese! Have replaced chocolate spread addiction with blue stilton addiction, i fear this is no more healthy than last addiction, and also leaves me with a very unique smell, like mouldy cheese a-t-t-r-a-c-t-i-v-e!

Went to york yesterday, was mucho fun but BLOODY cold! As went to open ice-skating rink, stupid idea, cannot ice-skate, legs have minds of their own and tend to try and go in opposite directions, therefore i end up with a very wet ass and bruised ego! Great fun! Most painful experience was when i took the god darn boots off and my feet began to defrost, i honestly would have taken an axe to my feet, but being as it was a family event axes were severly lacking on the ground, or even on the walls or in cupboards!

Oh gosh, way too much verbal diarrhoea from spending too much time in own company!Will go away and think of useful subjects to share with world, well website, probably wont actually, will probably just watch tomb raider, again!

409 unique visitors! AMAZING!

I don't even know that many people in real life!

Cheers! xxxx

There are like THE worlds hugest snowflakes outside my window, LIKE HUGE! Like small rodents falling from the sky, or sprout, yes, i'dsay they were about sprout-sized-snowflakes!

gosh darn its nearly over now! Bumbags! Was very much enjoying whole christmassy feel and sitting there going OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO while guy across street was thinking WHY is this girl wearing her bikini, when it is snowing! Honestly, i am wearing tights and a tshirt with bikini therefore all is ok! That is absolutly BEST bit about xmas, you can wear stupid outfits that you couldn't possibly wear outside houes, but because am busy being lonely old spinster no longer need to worry about such things! ha ha!

xmas was pretty fab in end! Am most upset did not have proper run up with whole being in hospital thing, i mean, i still have uneaten advent calander chocolates! crazy crazy!

Have spent day pretending to do revision, hate whole guilt-trip-of-work over christmas thing! It smells like smelly poo! i mean, how am i supposed to concentrate on incredibly mind numbingly boring things such as the photoelectric effect with a papier mache monster to be made from the kit fay got me for xmas! It didnt help that something has blown up in my computer, am not entirely sure what, but it blew the switch in the cupboard, and now will not switch on! Have even been proper man and changed fuses etc to see if that were problem, but alas, was not problem, am worried am going to take back off pc and see smoke and burnt bits of metal, i cannot afford new innards for computer, bitching piece of machinary! (Obviously is not this pc, have comandeered family pc for very important things such as msn checking and blogspirit writing!)

And i apparantly have to go and clean away my half finished glitter dome from the kitchen table, honestly some people (parents) do not appreciate my creative genius!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

I know i intend to have a BLOODY FANTASTIC ONE!

Ok, well what an interesting week ive had!

Have returned to a stage where i am now on less drugs than your general a-class celebrity so am capable of reading date and have noticed is only like 3 days til xmas! I AM TOTALLY FUCKED! I have no shopping done, what-so-ever, what a bloody inconvenient time to go and get pneumonia eh nadine!

Woke up this morning day of release from hospital trying to sleep so i didnt look like a big pile of poo so they would let me out, when suddenly dawned onself, less than 50cm away from my head someone was HAVING A POO! Was definatly time when i wished i was either drunk or sleeping, the thought of some ancient lady trying to heave a months worth of hospital food out of her system is just too much for me at 430 in the morning! any morning!

SO consequently am trying to find all xmas pressies on interweb to send mutti with a list to go shopping tomorrow morning as i am currently incapable of walking 3 feet without head going fuzzy and throwing up, nice and graphic!

Apparantly my sessions about to expire! (has anyones sessions actually expired? what happens when it does?)

Is true, and now world renound fact, that the minute one area of my life begins to go vaugly right, others fall spectacularly apart! Yet why does this always happen to ME! WHy not anyone else! Is rather like being at circus, where you see circus-type-people managing perfectly well to spin seven plates and walk along a 6 mile rope, and probable be able to do a jig at the same time without even breaking into a sweat, while i know that all i have to do is even think about spinning one plate and will knock self out with others and fall to certain poo off rope! Oh god that metaphor made NO sense! Blame fact am all ill, sob, have spent all day on sofa, not EVEN well enough to watch my "ill film", titanic, titanic is GREAT ill film as passes 3 hours, but no have spent all day thinking OW OW OW OW OW brain is too big for skull, and OW OW OW OW OW neck is all stuck, and OW OW OWOW am going to be sick in bucket! and is not even self inflicted! HOW UNFAIR!

Welcome to my christmas song!

I'd like to thank you for the year!

So I'm sending you this christmas card!

To say its nice to have you here!

Am still currently MUCH loving elton john and his groovybanananess! Am playing the most annoyingly additively poo game in the world www.sticky.tv/game/cykram_airtos/index.html is incredibly groovy! Have no idea if that link works as have just copied from address bar! And well, with my current agreement with computers where the BASTARD deleted my biology coursework then locked me out of my computer! Ohmmmmm calm! I mean, its not like i had to write another 50 pages about LIMPETS 3 days before the deadline or anythign!

Oh bollocks! Cheerful mood has now gone! Fucking parentals! Hate them all! Do they not understand i am about 3 steps from the edge of that very tall building as it is!? Bastards!

Ok, by rights i should be finding a lovely big building to forcefully throw myself off, but am not! Have discovered answer to all problems, is obviously a combination of Mr. Cadbury and Mr. Budweiser! tee hee hee!

Hmmm, all the bad things that have happened in the last 24 hours, i deserve some good things to happen, don't I!?!

Now where to begin, well we could start with the point where i decided ill do some work at school for the first time in forever in my free periods, so set off, work on memory stick, did LOADS of work at school, came home, loaded onto computer, went for cup of tea, went to print work off, computer went crazy! Lots of poo about internal errors and has locked me out of my fucking coursework! I could scream! But am not going to, ohhmmmmm! Could scream because marks actually have to be at exam board in a week, and there is NO WAY IN HELL i am going to re-write a 50 million page piece of patella vulgata, do you know what patella vulgata are! LIMPETS! Do you know what limpets do, exactly NOTHING! They cling to rocks, and how they cling determines how they grow! GREAT!

Anyway swiftly moving on, after staying up to ridicoulous time of 00:30 to do bloody coursework, ok small lie, stayed up to 8 doing coursework, then decided to make christmas cards, and spilt beer all over christmas cards, so now whole world will believe am alcohol! they wouldn't be far wrong! They now all have a nice, streaky effect!

THEN for some unknown reason family decided to do mass getting up and having a cup of tea thing at about 3 in morning, why why why! Did wake me up from horrible dream though, where i dreamt i had got "go york rovers" tatooed across the back of my neck! Was bloody relieved when woke up from that! of all the tatoos in all the world!

We are not going to go any further into bad day! Was relieved this mornign when friend read my horoscope from the metro, was lovely about how finally life is turing around etc. then turned out she had read the scorpio, and the libra one was poo about how i need to do some apologizing and sort myself out! super!

Anyhoo, have kids t.v. to watch, admittadly am no longer a child by law, but oh well!

Okily dokily peep-de-peep-de-peoples! We seem to be having a small commenting problem here! Now i appreciate that you must all think my pages are a pile of poo and bottom, however is incredibly disheartenting to find 404 pages visited one day last month and about three new comments! Is it because my blog is unimaginably poobags and you accidently stumble across it and runas quickly as poss in opposite direction!? Hmmmmmmm! Anyway, please comment, will be a change from email from spam companies who for some unknown reason believe im called Dora Mcmullen, is this some internet thing i am just too stupid to understand!? Or a joke i just dont get! Anyway, it will split up the emails all entitled "get great credit dora!" and "englarge you pen1s, TODAY!"

Apparantly this roughly translates (i.e. exactly copied from cardiff website) to 'welcome to cardiff university'!

Am going to tell you bout my utterly thrilling trip to cardiff-land! Was actually rather fabby! And obviously you have nothing better to do that listen to me, so you may as well know every interesting little detail to my trip!

Begin, the HIDEOUS time of 6a.m., SIX AM! Sometimes ive just got back from town at that time, obviously in blind drunk state and have absolutly no intention on trying to fit self into suit which is designed for people a) three foot taller than me b) with some excuse of woman-ness hiding somewhere and finally for people who do not sit like a man! As it so happens did not have to wear said suit anyway!

Dragged self out of bed for incredibly nutritious breakfast while stomach was saying NO NO NO ARE YOU CRAZY ITS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WE DO NOT EAT IN MIDDLE OF NIGHT! and dropped half a vat of chocolate spread on my trousers! Honestly, the only time in the entire history of for-everything i get dresssed BEFORE eating, and i look like ive lost all poo-ing control! VERY attractive!

So we move on, arrive at trainstation, am getting pretty fabby at this whole train catching to wierd far off places on own thing!

Arrive Caerdydd, after SLIGHT problems with turnstiles at bristol, where i ended up at the wrong side of one and could see self having to bribe ticket person with my mini-disc player to let me anywhere near to where my train was about to leave (without me!) from! But all was good! APART from the point, where i left the train station from the wrong side and ended up in stupidly huge postgraduate-open-day, while also very conscious that lipstick was all over face in manner of small child eating ALOT of jam!

Managed to rectify said problem, by hiding in a toilet to read map (as obviousy cannot read in street as will look like stupid tourist and not streetwise student or similar!) Then realised coat had inexplicably decided to moult blue fluff all over red shirt, no longer looked so glam, but more like furry-blue-animal-lover! (and cords were covered in melted chocolate from train journey, so was looking INCREDIBLY well presented by this point!)

However, yet again was not put off, and found right side of station and eventually right building (wooo, things going right!)

Rest of day nice and uneventful, apart from mad coughing fit in middle of some scary looking talk, went lovely colour of tomato, so at least blended in with hair and shirt and lipstick! (and the right hand side of seats on virgin trains! WOW, different colour seats on each side!!!)

Am now too darn tired to continue with rest of trip, pretty average ned-type-crises, make them up, chances are they are more interesting than the real thing!

Goodnight to you, and to you a goodnight! (unfortunatly there is no translation for this on cardiff website!)

This is it! This is what my life has now been reduced to!

Do you have any idea what i did tonight! No you do not! therefore i shall tell you! I spent about half an hour giving my hat a haircut! How god darn useful! Its a fantastic hat! It orange and red and from animal (possibly one of the only named items of clothing i actually own!) but it moults all wierd wooly bits from time to time, rather like a crazy sheep!

Interesting life!

Am off to cardiff on wednesday ! woooooooo! is unfortuantly a 5 hour train ride, great!

anyhoo i have some fish to clean out and some hair to wash (my own this time, not hats)

Hmmmmm, for some reason blogspirit will not let you publish without a title, a little annoying, especially when you have nothing of great interest to say!

Am feeling ALOT better today! Am no longer on the verge of a suicidal breakdown where i end up in bed at four in the afternoon reading bridgit jones eating my own weight in chocolate biscuits! Which is always good!

Wow its getting dark already! this is crazy bananas! (now you know im stuck for topics!)

All is well in the world of ned at the moment though, no major crises, nothing worth stressing out about! Have such an unimaginably HUGE workload at the moment, but oh well, am sure will get there in the end, oh bollocks, my coursework was meant to be in two weeks ago! Bugger it! Ohhhmmmmmmm calm! Have ignored it for this long, am sure they will track me down when they desperatly need it!

Am entirely sure it will all be ok in the end! It always is!

It'll all be alright in the end, if its not alright, its not the end!

#

Pooholes and bottom bags! am going to attempt to control my language to the best of my ablilty here, though i VERY MUCH doubt that will be possible!

I am SO beyond angry you would not believe!I just want everyone to fuck off out of my life! Ooops, bag language has started! Oh well, screw it! Am so pissed off! Have been trying to fill in my form for cambridge to say, yes id love to come to interview etc. etc. etc, and then noticed it was meant to be there by tomorrow, now you're probably thinking i am useless and just left it on my desk for ages! WRONG! The bastard-holes didnt even give me the fucking forms until yesterday! HATE it! HATE the whole fucking system! HATE everything! Bastards! Am so tempted to ring us saying 'why dont you all go and fucking fuck yourselves you fucking retards'

bumholes

so! interview for eurocamp today!

well i would have paid someone if they could have made it physically any more humiliating!

Where to begin, well i could start with the part where i had blood running down on my foot on the train from my killer interview shoes, or we could begin with the point where in a classic teen comedy movie i picked my bag up upside down and everything spilled out all over the platform and everyon looked and gasped! It was only minidiscs and tampons for christs sake you narrow minded people, its not like i was carrying my leather whip and oversize vibrator about with me was it!

And indeed it gets worse! after having to run for various trains, I got to greenbank, where i turned the wrong way coming out of the station! Then to end up walking along the worlds hugest housing estate for about 30 minutes! and i was walking along the same bit of street for like the 3rd time and i could hear this "helloooooo, hello, hello" near me! i obviously presumed it was the chavs in someones front garden taking the piss, as they generlaly do, so to humour them, i decided to wave, however it then occured to me the "hello" noise was coming from the guy behind me talking on his mobile phone, doh!

Then i eventaully found the mini roundabout, bloody tiny roundabout! and went wandering down the wrong path into a school where i was chased by a couple of security ladies! fun fun fun!

After eventually finding silly eurocamp interviewing house I couldn't figure out how to get in! I know, i am this stupid! But there didn't seem to be an entrance! So i decided the best thign to do, was to keep walking along the wall of the building until id done a complete circle, this method wierdly enough did work, but the call centre lady thought i was pretty crazy as i was walking as close as physically possible to the window to avoid missing any hidden entrance!

FINALLY got in and then ended up locked in a tiny cupboard type space as i didnt have any code for any of the doors! Luckily was rescued!

AFter all this trying to get to interview, only last about a hour and i said bum, therefore havn't got the job!

Fun day!

Woooooo! First the superdoopertrooper good news, i do not have aids! I really could have kissed the doctor, admittadly she does look like the back end of the 72, but that is not the point! only have one more test in like 13 weeks, so all is good on the western front!

So onto the superdoopertrooper bad news, am not going to ireland, so is life, honestly! Why do people always let me down!? do i have doormat secretly tatooed across my forehead!? Because i want to know when i got that done as it has been going on YEARS before i could legally get a tatoo! hate everyone at the moment! plus have three exams tomorrow, that is crazy i only have 4 lessons on a thursday as it is!

anyhoo am off now!

aurevoir xxx

Couples darn them!

Its official, they are multiplying, and i dont mean just producing disgusting pink ugly offspring! (am obviously no child-lover) From getting off the bus to reaching my house, every single person i passed was attached to another person in-some-way! Admittadly only saw 4 people, but that is enough of a survey for me anyday, and i do stats! Maybe i am just a bitter cynical old woman, but hell all this coupling is not making me feel any better! Are people just not wanting to be alone at christmas!? Or am i missing out on some great big nationwide sudden surge of love!?

It true, in my group of friends there are only three of us single-singletons left, and unless we are going to form a mass drunk lesbian threesome, i doubt that is going to chance for a while!

So on a parting note, fucking couples, fuck you all! (not literally, that thought is just disturbing!)

Fuck it!

Have just spent about 20 minutes on last post for blogspirit to eat it! where did it go!? what did you do with my post!

Consoling thoughts (and chocolate) would be appreciated!

incidently nature of post was thankyou letters!

Ha! Thought that would get your attention!

I could rant for ages about my life, about how now i have to go and see the doctor on tuesday (when do they ever make you appointments without you hastling for good news eh!?) and about how i screamed at this chav and tried to strangle her on the way to the shop tonight (yes that is after nearly virtually screaming you into the floor on msn DJ) because she called me a loser!

But instead im going to talk to myself about orgasms! Just because they play a major part in any relationship, and i think they are a GREAT basis for a femanist rant! Why is it that if a women can't come, we feel it is a major failure on our part, obviously we are crap at sex and should go and join a convent, while if you can't get a guy to come, it is yet again our fault, obviously we should know exactly how to get to him, its not like you lot come with a bloody instruction manual, i mean, you have late night movies at least as a little help, were just supposed to be fantastic! Is there any wonder very few women have a great sexdrive with all these things they can be blamed for! And then, just if our burden isn't great enough, we have to fake to make you all feel great and fantastic! All men think, is she faking, and all women think, oh hell i really hope he can't tell im faking it! But what can we do!? say at the beginning of a relationship, hell im not going to fake this time, i've done that so many times ive lost count, well, actually i could probably go back through my diary and count but that would be besides the point! I guess its just a fact of life (hell they don't tell you that one when you get the little booklet in year 7!) so maybe im being a little unfair, i mean, my last boyfriend was pretty darn good, but is it really worth dedication all those pages in teenage magazines to something that will always be a letdown, always make you feel like the rest of the world is having fantastic beyond fantastic sex and you are stuck in the land of "left a bit, down a bit, no dear thats your thumb" land

Enough crap now ned

xxxxxx

Well! Two success stories for today!

1) I managed to drag my sorry little ass out of bed at 8 this morning, despite all its protests of "ned, you insane woman its still the middle of the night" and " what IDIOT set that alarm for eight"! Note to self, stopc oming up with amazing plans about how you are going to do something with the day at midnight as we all know they are stupid and painful!

2) Finally paid off my topshop card, admittadly did pay it off with my card, but the nice kind man at the bank says i can increase my overdraft now im 18 (woo!) but hey, i do far too much maths than can possibly be healthy for such a small girl therefore i'm allowed to ignore it!

Feel slightly better today, have taken the big leap and changed my msn name away from something along the lines of "why don't you all go and fuck yourselves" as am deciding this is childish and immature (however does convey my feelingsvery very well indeedy!)

Damn why can't i have thought-provoking and meaningful posts!

I mean, who really wants to hear about my endless-cup-of-tea-drinking and ooooooooo i finished reading murphys law today! Love that little irish guy! Really need to stop reading so much! Cannot WAIT to go to ireland, totally intend to go to uni there, if mr-cambridge and mr-belfast both offered me a place i would accept belfast, without a doubt! Drunkedly on tuesday night i did decide to go to ireland, can't remember who with now, should really employ a secretary to take notes while im drunk, actually no, then i might never drink again, actually, thats what they should do at alcoholics anonymous, or whatever it is, film drunk people!

Anyway enough crap now nadine

Why does everything always happen to me! What did i do in a past life that was so horrendously unforgiveable people just need to keep piling shit onto me! Went to a party monday night, was supposed to be a fun party, went into the club, tried to get to the bar, got stabbed with a needle, came back out the bar! I was in bed for 11! I hate it, what kind of bastards would do that to someone, just because their lives are so screwed up why do they have to do this to other people, im suppposed to be going somewhere in my life, im supposed to be the one with ambition, the one who's about something, not the one sat here worrying my ass off night after night after night after night waiting for the doctor to call and say ive got aids!

I hate people that pretend to be concerned, i forced myself to go out last night even though all i really wanted to do was crawl under my covers and pretend i was someone else! i stumbelled into some peole i know from school, they couldn't stand to be near me, i hate it how bad news travels so fast, do they think they can catch nasty diseases just by giving me a hug!? Some people are so ignorant, and they were my so called friends!

My mum told me off for being dramatic! I'd like to see her go through this! She's probably never had a trauma in her life except if people would complain that she put me in blue baby clothes because that is what she had already bought!

Oh hell i am making absoutly no sense!

My letter from cambridge arrived this morning saying they had my application and everything! Just my bloody luck if i got in then died!

ANyway, less of the depressing talk nadine, am off to, well, don't know, but its not like you lot will be full of useful advice anyway! therefore might as well go and pretend to be happy and cheerful!